Gotta be honest, I’ve been going through a “Is this it? Is this gonna be my life?…” phase. Is this gonna be my work, Monday through Friday 9-5, cook dinner, pack a lunch, go to bed… or is there something more? Is this apartment (12 years and counting) and this city gonna be my home, or is there something more? Have I used up all my chances at love, or is there gonna be something more? After work last night I was pretty low, beat down by stagnation, the monotony of life.
Today I stayed home, determined to “figure out” why I was feeling so restless, bored, discontent. I made a “to do” list for the day, including meditation, Qi gong, and letters to God, ya know, all my go to’s… none of which led me to the “break through” I was hoping for. Thing is, whenever I TRY to figure things out I get in the way of figuring things out. Frustrated nothing was “working” I finally sat down. Then laid down. Then after a little while tears came. The stream of tears that runs underneath it all. Absolute stillness was the space my heart needed to feel. And feeling, I often forget, is what gives my life color. It’s not where I am, what job I’m doing, or who I am or am not loving at the moment, but how much space I leave for my heart that energizes me. In my heart exists all the creativity, joy, and inspiration I’ll need for a lifetime.
In this culture, it’s so so easy to not feel. There’s always something else we could be/“should be” doing. Then it’s no surprise many of us wake up feeling a dullness and don’t know why. My prayer for some time has been that God keep my heart open, even if that means it‘ll hurt sometimes (cuz I know too well that the dull ache of a chronically closed heart can suffocate).
So that’s my prayer, my wish for you this week, that you find whatever your heart needs (words, music, movement, or absolute stillness) to crack open and feel.